#61 Making a Home in My Body - Taurus season 2024 Reflections (5/21/24)
This past month has been full of ups and downs, and upon reflection, I realize that much of the past year has been the same; a roller coaster of external life events that I have no control over. I've been contemplating what it truly means to make a home in my body. How essential this act of making place is within oneself to remain present while weathering the storms of uncertainty and live to the fullest in this lifetime. And what does living to the fullest even mean, but to maintain one's sense of self when basking in happiness, joy, fun, and pleasure, while also wading through the mud, layered with sorrow, grief, pain, and loss. This move from either/or to both/and, has been the main lesson that has presented itself to me this Taurus season.
Duality is a human construct, just like time, made to provide structure, guidance, and reason, to an experience that is anything but certain. The want to establish everything as opposing states, often one end of the spectrum having established societal connotations as good and the other as bad, is so very limiting to the complexity of all that is. Instead, this past month I have been challenging myself to take experiences as they are without labeling them as something I liked or didn't like. This level of objectivity makes them into information for me to do something with vs. isolated experiences that are done and over with.
While in many ways it would make more sense for this reminder about complicating my relationship with duality to come forth during Gemini season, the sign of the twins, I see it as the universe's way of preparing me for the upcoming zodiac cycle.
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| "Bring me the sunset in a cup" - Emily Dickinson |
Some of the experiences over the past month that I see as being an expression of the Taurus season themes to honor one's vessel, as well as to embrace experiences for what they are, without seeking to label them as good/bad, are:
🌅having anxiety about going to the dentist to get my permanent retainer fixed after not going to the dentist in years and the entire experience going eerily smooth
🌅buying new running shoes since my old ones I've had for 5+ years and are falling apart and the increase in support hurting my feet initially but knowing that with time my body will adjust and appreciate the structure
🌅being dehydrated and drinking more water, but it taking a few days to see any results. Moral of the story...DRINK MORE WATER
🌅basking in sunlight and photosynthesizing
🌅prioritizing reading over tv watching feels like a return home to my younger self
🌅I used to hate my period since I do not want to have children. However, increasingly I realize that the fluctuations of my cycle is a natural rhythm that connects me with nature. The insights throughout the month are a part of my divine feminity and allow me to access ancestral wisdom. For instance, if I have the option to take the day off to rest on the first day of my period I should because my body deserves to be prioritized too
🌅since it takes me a full day to wash my hair, I often dread the entire experience. However, increasingly I see washing my hair as spiritual hygiene just as much as physical hygiene, because I am cleaning, and by extension opening, my crown Chakra.
🌅both rest and movement are non-negotiables. It's all about balancing the two
🌅returning to therapy after 6 months off with a new therapist (who is a Black woman living outside of the global north) who honors the ancestral realm and uses somatic techniques to get in tune with the body, such as parts work, EMDR, and brain spotting. The majority of the sessions my eyes are closed and I am tuning into my inner world to understand where various parts of me, such as hypervigilance and caretaking, live within me, what they look like, and what their trying to tell me
🌅honoring my sister Mercedes' 1-year Remembrance Day (death anniversary) by withdrawing from the world and taking the day away to acknowledge how sacred grief is
🌅Going on strike with work for 1-day and feeling unsatisfied with the result of the ratified contract but knowing it is out of my control and may indeed be for the best, who knows
🌅passing my Dissertation Prospectus conversation with flying colors and feeling fully supported by my doctoral committee, and very excited to be able to explore the ways in which Black women's inner knowing is expressed through creative mediums, while also acknowledging how daunting it is to have so much permission to throw out the rule book and lean into nontraditional forms and multi-modalities
🌅having an art commission collaboration fall through that would have landed my art in an art museum and knowing that while it is upsetting everything happens for a reason and it is meant to be. On the same day I received the news, I attended museum's private opening for an art exhibit that I have an interview I did years ago a part of. Talk about a clear showcasing of how when one door closes, another one opens
To conclude, the most special experience of Taurus season has been watching a family of geese interact. The parents watch over the babies like a hawk. They're so gentle and yet I saw them hiss at dogs when they ventured too close because they clearly saw them as a threat. It makes me think about how I often shame the hypervigilant, caretaking, confrontational parts of me, when in reality all they're trying to do is fiercely protect me and my inner child. While these aspects of myself do not always come out at the right time, what they need is empathy, compassion and love, not shame and judgement. As Stephanie Foo says in chapter 40 of her memoir What My Body Knows: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma, "...punishment is not love. In fact, it is the opposite of love. Forgiveness is love. Spaciousness is love."
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